Friday, December 26, 2008

An old post revisited and a year of reflection

I posted the post below on 1/4/2008. Back then I thought I had a stable job in Oregon and I whined and complaned. Now I am more grateful for what I have and my faith has been strengthened by the fact I landed on my feet and have a better life now than before. I am going to run down the list and see what I really did. Kind of like new years resolutions. Here goes

1) I am going to try to find something good in each day. Sounds like an AA slogan or a self help book but if I cant do that, why wake up each day

In some ways I did do this. I got into meditation and started living in the present moment. I really do that now in that I am thankful to be in a home with my wife and dog. Not just a home. A nicer home than I had in Oregon. Life is good. Now I just worry it will vaporize like Oregon did. So I did succeed at this. I see more good in each day than I did back in 1/08

2) I am going to try and get out of debt. No doubt it will take more than a year

This was starting to materialize but after the layoff went South. There is hope but the debt load is actually heavier. Though not for a lack of trying. My fear however is a lot less than it was.

3) Take better care of myself. That is lose some weight, Become less of a couch potato

This one too was short lived. I took off 30lbs and was working out. Then the layoff hit. I plan to join a health club sometime in early 09 and start again.

4) Take part in something of meaning. It used to be ministry back in Minnesota. Since moving to Oregon it has been less and less and now I am isolated. No more. I think it likely wont be ministry but maybe some political cause. I dont know. I just need to get out and talk to real people.

I think I made a good crack at this one with everything from Open Forum to a Church that is not a Church. Couldnt stick with it. Not sure why. Still looking for the right thing to get involved in. Again, new beginning in Washington. Lots of potential.

5) Be more authentic. Instead of complaining about the world, I want to really try and become what I am passionate about. First I need to figure out what that is.

All I can say here is I think the layoff made me get my head out of my ass and appreciate what I have. Still not sure where the passion is but I dont feel like whining as much

6) Make this blog into something worthwhile. I know I have a few dedicated friends out there who read this and I appreciate it. I know I am not talking to space. I would like to make it actually make a difference and mean something.

I have no idea on this one. I think the blog suffered from my busyness. I am not ready to give up blogging but I do want it to be worthwhile. Even if it shuts down, I have met people who will likely be friends for life here. That is a good thing. Where will it go, I have no idea

7) This is the hard one. I have to stop allowing people to push me around so much

I think I still let people push me around but I think I have grown a little stronger.

So what is my goal for 09. Whatever man. Live long and prosper. We will see where this wild ride goes. Will it be a slow scenic drive, a rollercoaster, or a train wreck. 2008 was all of the above. One goal I have is to make new friends and perhaps get to know some people I already know a bit better. I also plan to breathe every day and enjoy the moment.

Friday, January 04, 2008
New Year Plans

I saw a post on Ninjanuns blog that made me think about the new year and what I am gonna do.

The last two years have been a roller coaster at times seeming about as encouraging as Oregons weather in december. Well I am sick of it. So here goes

1) I am going to try to find something good in each day. Sounds like an AA slogan or a self help book but if I cant do that, why wake up each day

2) I am going to try and get out of debt. No doubt it will take more than a year

3) Take better care of myself. That is lose some weight, Become less of a couch potato

4) Take part in something of meaning. It used to be ministry back in Minnesota. Since moving to Oregon it has been less and less and now I am isolated. No more. I think it likely wont be ministry but maybe some political cause. I dont know. I just need to get out and talk to real people.

5) Be more authentic. Instead of complaining about the world, I want to really try and become what I am passionate about. First I need to figure out what that is.

6) Make this blog into something worthwhile. I know I have a few dedicated friends out there who read this and I appreciate it. I know I am not talking to space. I would like to make it actually make a difference and mean something.

7) This is the hard one. I have to stop allowing people to push me around so much

Most importantly. Spend more quality time with my wife.
Posted by Spiritbear at 12:57 PM

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What is it? Its it. What is it? Its it. What is it?

What is it? That is the question. What is this blog. Initially I started it out to document my journey through the Christian life away from Church. Then it became Churchianity bashing. Then it became political. Then it became me whining about my life. Now I am not sure where to go with it. I want to keep on blogging and report on things I find interesting and things that go on in my journey through life. I am going to try and keep it from turning into whining. I will post when I find something interesting. I dont want to alienate the few readers I have but a blog can be about the blogger. My hope is that someone can learn from my experience and perspective and that someone somewhere has benefited from this journey of over two years of my life. I am not quitting but I will probably only post when something interesting does happen. Right now my life has become very busy. New job, New city. Moving and all. Once things get under control, I will blog more. I am not dead. I still hope to stay in contact with many of my blogging friends.

Peace and Love to all

Friday, December 19, 2008

Its the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

Being from Minnesota and having lived in the Pacific NW for the last 5 years I have noticed that snow or the threat of snow causes widespread panic and fear. The news has been all about the storm. Yes it will snow and it has. The weather the last week reminds me of Minnesota but it has not been a problem for me. I am amazed at the fear propigated by the media. Sure its frustrating and people in the NW may not drive well in the ice but I believe the media panic is an attempt to scare people to buy supplies and watch local media. Only one night was driving really hard. Otherwise its just been slow and steady.

I will be glad when it is over but finally it seems Christmasy. I have never thought the Pacific Northwest was very Christmasy. I am almost ready for Christmas now. A nice quiet Christmas with my wife in front of our fireplace.

Merry Christmas all. Be careful out there but dont freak. Use common sense

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tired and at work

I am sitting here at work waiting for a software update to complete so I been reading old blogs.

I think this two years since I started blogging have been an adventure and somewhat circular thought. When I started I was disgruntled with Church. Since then I have stepped away from Church, switched jobs twice and moved to a new state. I see potential for a great life and life truly goes on. Being away from Church (on and off and at heart for two years) I am less disgruntled but my worldview has changed. The world seems a bit more screwed up. My spiritual journey has gone from hardcore evangelical to liberal Christian to Christian with Buddhist leanings to I dont know what anymore. I still believe in God and pray and know God was with me during these weird times. Am I drawn to Church? Not really. I am scared that I dont want to piss God off so I am retreating from the fringes a bit. Who knows where it goes

Saturday, December 06, 2008

In Oregon

I am in Oregon this weekend to move out of our Albany home and into a storage locker until we can get moved into the house I hope we get approved for in Puyallup.

My previous post was a bit harsh but now I am seeing it from this perspective. Albany seems more run down and hickish than it did before but Oregon is really OK. I just think Washington may be nicer to live in for now. I really like it there. I am going to miss this in some way. Its starting to look less homey and more empty. That is a bit depressing. Though life in Albany was a rocky road there was some good. This marks the closing of one chapter completely and on to a new one.

Now that the madness of last two months draws to a close I have to wonder. In a new place. A new life. How should I practice my spirituality. church perhaps. Or not maybe. I dont know.

I would have to say my faith is stronger now as a result but I dont feel more religious in any way. I havent been to a Church since Oct 12th (two days after the layoff) yet I feel that God has been with me. I have not been doing meditation lately either. Not since moving to Washington. Though the practice made the unemployed weeks here much easier. I got paranoid that somehow I had angered God with my interest in Buddhism and kind of ran back. But it was helping. Perhaps I should be a good Christian and try not to make God mad. But I am not sure that he was mad. Things happen. God is there and gets you through. Religion had little to do with this. That sounds conflicted and non-peaceful but I have a peace that it is all going to be OK. Anyway, the journey continues. The circular maddening journey known as life.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Rocky Road

Not the ice cream either. In the last 48 hours:

I may have found a house
I might be able to afford it
I applied for a loan to get some cash
I got turned down for the loan
My father in law gave us some money to get by
My dads car got repossesed
He got a loan from a relative and is re-repossesing it (is that a word)
I am sick
I work for a Doctors office
I am away from my wife
I will be seeing my wife this weekend
I have to move out of an old house
I may have a new house to move into.

Lots of good and bad. Almost even balanced. Weird. Life is good overall. I think

Monday, November 24, 2008

Things that should be eradicated from a company in IT world

1) Internet Explorer. If your application requires it, lock it down, deny it access to the Internet and use Firefox. Every place I have ever worked uses IE and every place gets infested with crapware
2) Brother printers. Every device made by Brother has caused me terrible headaches
3) Symantec Anything (or even any company that is likely to be eaten by Symantec)
4) Citrix (if you need to print, stay away from this monster)
5) Vista, Go with XP, Linux or a Mac but dont let Vista touch your network
6) Home computers. Dont let ANYONE use their homeized XP Home or Vista Norton infected piece of crap on the company network
7) Trendiness - Dont virutalize, use thin clients or other buzz crap just because you read about it in a PC mag.
9) Any HP desktop PC
10) Consumer Grade Networking Hardware

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I really do like it here

My previous post made it sound like I am in a ghetto and unhappy. In reality, I like it here. The people overall seem more civilized, less hickish. There is more to do. I love the small parks around here on the Sound. They remind me of the Oregon Coast. Very peaceful and nice despite being in a big city.

This area is a melting pot and I like that too. I have had some great Thai food since getting here. I cant wait until my wife gets here and we can check out the city together. I am not a loaner.

Work is work. New place same things but I am good at it and I am not in mortal fear of a layoff like I was in Oregon for the last year and a half.

I still think Oregon was a good place to live but Washington is too. Both are similar. Green, rainy, progressive yet sprinkled with conservatives. Live and let live attitude.

Life in the Big City (Seattle)

I have now been up here except for the weekends for almost a month. Working so many hours that I rarely see the light of day. Safe and secure in the little town of Puyallup. This weekend I am all alone in Suburban Seattle near Seatac Airport.

Overall Washington is not much different than Oregon. It has more people and more ethnic diversity which is not a bad thing. The traffic is but I avoid it for the most part. Seems like a cool place to be.

Well this weekend there was a gang related shooting at Southcenter mall (the big mall up here) One person dead. Thousands freaked out. About 5 miles from here.

Today I went for a little drive down 99 toward Redondo Beach. There were cops everywhere and the road was blocked. A big white SUV sitting in the middle of the road. I thought what an idiot to park there.

Later on the news I find out the cops were called because the SUV was sitting there and the guy was not responding. Aparrently he was dead and had been shot. Nobody saw anything. No clue how he got there. Did he shoot himself? Did someone shoot him and he drove toward a hospital and died there. No clue. Nice to know that within a couple miles there is at least one killer running around. Maybe two.

I park on the street here. One car in front of me their windshield was based in.

I also have noticed a lot of people who look like trouble. Black, white, mexican, purple, green, I dont care but groups of teenagers looking for trouble bother me. Most of these are black and look like they came from S Central LA. Now I couldnt care less about their skin but if they want respect they need to stop acting like gangsters. People should stop being a stereotype.

Anyway, I am not in fear of my life. THe worst thing that has happend to me was two condoms next to my car. One used, one new. I have lived in big cities. I get the feeling I am not in the best part of the Seattle area and cant wait to get a nice place to live. Regardless its not much worse than Albany. We had a dead guy near us there too.

What is wrong with people these days?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Bye Bye Oregon

Well not completely but I am moving. I accepted a job in the Seattle area. Its a good job. Pays more than I got here and more room for growth. I couldnt get ANYTHING around here. Must be time to move on.

I am heading up tomorrow and starting work on Thursday.

Thanks to all that prayed for me. God has a plan.

I think life will be good in Seattle. Bigger city. More to do. But still the Northwest. Still will have trees and mountains.

I will be coming back to Oregon a lot to visit for the foreseeable future.

I think something is about to happen

This roller coaster ride of 3 weeks has been interesting. My perspective is different. If anything I am less depressed and see more hope than I did before the big layoff. I needed some time to collect my thoughts and realize what is important. Not to mention time to kick some strider and combine ass on Half Life 2.

Some job leads have vaporized. others are going well. My two strongest are not in Oregon and not in the same state. One is in Seattle. The other in Chicago. I think I may well have offers from both by the end of the week. Assuming I get both I will be faced with a new dillema. That is that my decision will affect others in a big way.

Seattle is closer. I know people in both cities. My mom hates both ideas but prefers Chicago because she doesnt want to be near my dad. But why cant she just stay in Oregon and we come visit her every couple of weeks. I am torn between the two. I like the job in Chicago but would rather live in Seattle. But sometimes what I want means very little. Seattle would be so much easier to move to.

Anyway a different kind of problem and its all hypothetical since I dont have offers in either place yet. Either way, it is starting to look like bye bye Oregon. I will actually miss this crazy place.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wage Slave in Search of New Master

I am still alive and kicking. I almost went to Open Forum on Saturday but I didnt want to share the fun and give everyone the pneumonia I was getting over.

I am still out of work. A whole week and a half now. that sounds like nothing but it is something when you realize the money will run out. But I am actually calm.

I havent found a damn thing in the Willamette valley from Portland to Eugene. Its like this place is loaded with out of work IT people and also there is a depressiveness to the place. Its like a lot of people have given up.

a buddy of mine in Chicago is trying to get me into the company he works for and its a strong possibility. I have to think it through. Chicago is a big change but the job would be great.

I also have managed to get interviews in Ventura, CA and Medford, OR (I am going to Medford on Friday). Now Southern Oregon is nice. Though Methford is not my idea of great but its close to Ashland and its still Oregon. That would be a much easier move.

I am torn now. What if I get all three of these jobs. I realize that sounds like a stupid problem but the choice will be hard. Chicago has the best job and the best possiblility of getting another job if that doesnt work out. California has the best weather but its EXPENSIVE(so is Chicago for that matter). Medford is Oregon which I am used to and is drier than here.

Wish me luck. I think I will know this week. Phone interview in Chicago Thursday. Regular interview in Medford Friday and possible trip to California for an interview next week.

I will actually miss this part of Oregon (and its proximity to Seattle and the Ocean) if I leave but I cant stay here and wait for the money to run out. It sounds bad but I was at the Eugene library yesterday and saw a bunch of homeless people. It saddens me that they are discarded by our society but what really scared me was, that could be me in a few months. That got me motivated to get out there and get back to working as a wage slave. Suddenly I feel like a fool for complaining about my last job. I wish I wasnt in a situation where money was so damn important but without it life isnt easy. I want whats best for my family.

Anyway this is mixed up and confused but I wanted to get it out there

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fucked Freedom

Sorry if the title offended anyone. Everyone heres about how crappy the economy is and I have noticed the sinking ship effect at the workplace for a while now. What I did not know was that the iceburg had been hit and I was about to be tossed into the frigid waters.

At about 9AM today I was laid off along with about 17 others. they told me they loved my job performance and I feel my manager (who is a good guy) really didnt want to do this. I knew things were bad but this was like a kick in the face from out of nowhere.

the odd thing is though I am feeling extensive fear and panic as well as uncertainty like how will we pay the rent etc? I also feel liberated in a weird way. Like for the moment. I am not a wage slave or at least a semi emancipated slave. Perhaps this is a good thing. I will tend to see it more that way once I get another job and realize that the old minivan we bought a while back isnt going to be our new home. I will feel better when I know that our diet wont consist of roasted riverrat (or maybe headcrabs).

perhaps its going to be OK. Or perhaps my life will just drain out into the pit that is this fucked free market.

I am holding it together while experiencing the full range of emotions. Everything from I am a worthless piece of shit to I hate corporations and they are evil. At times things dont even seem real. I think that is called shock.

When the dust settles. All may be well.

I could use some prayer.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Where am I

I am still alive and well. A few months back I attended PAX with some friends I met here (Ninjanun and the Pete). Around this same time, I realized I needed a hobby. Now me being a geek at heart decided that PC games may be a great hobby. I used to play them back in the Doom days.

A buddy of mine recommended Half Life 2 which is an amazing game. I am hooked on it and the whole idea of FPS and strategy integrated. I am not one who will play 24 hours a day but its nice to escape the world and become Gordon Freeman for a few hours and take out my frustrations on some zombies and combines. I will have to get more games. If I do one at a time, I can have some fun in my spare time without it becoming an obsession. Beats the hell out of sitting around and whining about the current political and religious state of the world. Though I do that too.

Anyway thought I would update and let all my friends know I am still around.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Wage Slavery

I have been a bit depressed lately. Not specifically because things are bad but because I live in a constant state of fear of losing what I have. Also I feel as if I must work and do whatever it takes to stay employed. Be it corrupt or noble. Be it legal or illegal. Be it moral or immoral. I must do it. I joke and say that if I were told that I must give an exec a blowjob I would have no choice but to comply. Thankfully I havent been in a situation where I have been asked to perform sexual favors but I have had to lie and rip people off (not at this job). What really bugs me is in this supposed free land I dont feel free. Sure I can quit my job but I would have to get another and rent myself out to the man as a slave. I am free to starve to death and live in the street if I dont want to do that.

I like many in this country am a wage slave. A real slave in some ways has it better than a wage slave in that a real or chattel slave cannot be fired. When I become not economically viable I will be tossed by corporate america like a used condom. When I cease to pad the pockets of the ruling class, I am fucked or should I say this wage slave will have to go find a new pimp (uhh I mean master or company) to rent myself to.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

OK so I did it

I registered the domain and set up some free DNS with

This blog:
My meditative journey
My Flickr photopage

Just another way to get to the same place. Kind of like many paths in life

New Blog

Since I have started meditation I have started a second blog which is about my meditative journey and what I experience during meditation. If you want to check it out, its

I am also going to register the domain for future use

Pointless Stupidity

I have noticed that blogging is dying down as a fad and I am not happy about it. Blogging is a great way for normal people to share ideas. However I think what ruined it was idiots. Dumb people who blog about dumb things. Here is one that talks about whether horseradish or mustard would go better on a cat shit sandwich Ok its a forum but its still dumb

Why are so many people so ignorant? I mean everyone has the right to their own opinion but why do so many people live in narrow worlds and ignore reality.

Anyway another pointless rant from me. I will keep blogging until they pry my keyboard from my cold dead hand

Sunday, August 31, 2008

PAX (Penny Arcade Expo)

Today I went to a gaming convention which is something I have never done. I was a gamer back in the 80s and 90s but I have not been that into it recently. This was a really cool event though. Lots of cool people. I tried out some fun games. I actually liked the shoot em up kind of games the best (which is weird since i dont like war) Perhaps war simulation is OK as long as its fake. Anyway, it was a new experience and a lot of fun. I think I may go to all three days of it next year. I might get into gaming again between now and then which will make it better. It wasnt as geeky as the startrek convention I went to once. That truly was an experience many years ago.

I also got together with Ninjanun and the Pete. They were at PAX as well. Afterward we went out for dinner. I always have a great time talking with them. They seem to some of the few people I know that actually get it when it comes to religion. I think if I lived up here we would hang out a lot.

This is my last night here in Seattle. Tomorrow its back to Oregon. Tuesday I go back to slavery (uhh I mean work).

I know I have gotten a bit out there on this blog lately but I am getting more balance. This trip is exactly what I needed.

I miss my wife and it will be good to see her though

Friday, August 29, 2008

In Seattle

I am in Seattle this long weekend visiting my dad. It was a long traffic filled drive up here but its nice to get away for a few days. This is a low stress environment. Dont know what all I am gonna do. Might hook up with some friends if schedules permit.

I am feeling peaceful and content right now.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Day After

Well now its the day after but the minute after I concocted the monstrosity before, I decided to ponder and meditate and I realized I am not off base. I just need to chill and be more tolerant. Tolerant of those who choose to worship God in the way of being in Church. My form of worship is between me and God. It can be prayer. It can be meditation. It can be standing in awe at the wonders of nature out in the woods. To me they are all manifestations of God. I hear him in the stillness. Sometimes I just need to clear away the clutter and listen.

Now my wife and I are fine. My main point was that I accused her of being brainwashed but she is sincere and I know we follow the same God so if she speaks a little churchese, I will be OK with it. I wont be OK with legalism and judgementalness but her heart is good and she is not a judgemental person. She may get more from Church than I do but thats OK. I should take what I can from every experience and try to give to it at the same time. Living each day and moment at a time.

Her school is very much a Churchianity college so I should expect an influence. I think the people at her school are sincere dedicated Christians as are a lot of Churchgoers. I choose to be a free thinker and that is not promoted in much of Churchianity. Thats my main issue. That and pious legalism.

Oh and I was TOTALLY KIDDING about voting for John McCain. Whatever you think of Obama, McCain is 1000 times worse.

I wish I could vote for Kucinich. The trendier Obama gets the less I trust him but he is what we have.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This is Ponderous Man. Really Ponderous

OK. So I finally start to find a bit of inner peace in worship of Christ and practicing meditation (of a Buddhist nature). Now my wife goes back to a Christian College and she seems to start "talking in Churchese" and it makes me sick. I am worried. Could I be off base? Could I be heading down the road to destruction? Should I stop this meditation and get my butt back in a Church pew and do what I am told so I can feel more like a Christian? My heart says NO. I still dont feel far from Christ yet I feel farther from Churchianity than ever (though I will attend Church to appease the requirements of my wifes school). I will even try to take from it the good. I went to Baptist Church this week and there was some good in it. But I can say the same about Buddhism. I am theologically a bit unraveled about a fight I had with my wife this evening that had somewhat to do with a piousness I see in her just from registering at school. Can it be real if it changes her? Can it be right if she has to put on the Churchianity mask just to attend? Perhaps we were backslidden over the summer and now she is back with the Lord. I dont know. My Churchianity background is filled with fear. Fear of hell fire. So I am afraid. Maybe I should just go back so that I can have my fire insurance. Maybe I should vote for John McCain and preach to the filthy sinners. Maybe I should stop hanging out with my Buddhist friend and start hanging out with Pastors again.

I want to follow Christ. I just dont want to be who I was 5 years ago. If I met the me I was then, I would kick my own ass

Fiduciary Responsibility to Maximize Profits for Shareholders

This is the core. The blackened evil rotten core of capitalism. I know many will disagree but any entity that exists and is legally bound to maximize profits at all costs can and will kill, rape, pillage, destroy, outsource, and fuck over anyone who gets in its way of making a buck. They HAVE to. Its the LAW. They have to outsource to China. otherwise they can be sued by their shareholder for losing money.

This is the heart of modern capitalism. This is why companies throw away employees and customers like used tampons. This is why you get someone in India when you call for support. This is why everything is shit and made in China by 10 year olds for $5 a month.

If America is so gosh darn righteous why do we promote this system. This system of tyranny and slavery as Christian. Why are those who claim to be "of the Lord" some of the richest pigs on the planet. Not all but a lot.

I realize I have made some gross generalizations and I am actually not in a bad mood.

I was created to do more than "maximize profits" so some rich fuck can buy another yacht.

Anyway, I think I need to do some meditation and put this out of mind. I read an article that got me fired up. Now I misplaced it.

I do believe small businesess and employee owned companies (though often driven by the same greed mentality) can be good. I think that publicly traded corporations by nature have to be evil and can only do good if it will result in more $$$$$ in their pockets. Thats the law.

I want to clarify that most of the people who work for these corps are decent hard working people. They (we) me too are slaves to this. Though I dont work for a publicly traded company, I have and probably will again. Wage slavery is what it is. Sometimes screwing people for money just goes with the job description.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Todd Bentley Sex Scandal

BAM - He has been caught!!!!!!!!


I have found a good reason to vote for Obama. He hates mayonaise. Can we ask for more?

My Meditative Journey

Well its official. My wife has told me that I have been a lot better since I have started doing daily meditations. I am doing some guided relaxations as well as some guided (and now non-guided) Vipassana meditations. I am not sure I am doing Vipassana correctly but I think I got the idea (being aware of breath, feelings, etc). It is doing wonders.

I also find that it is clearing my mind enough to focus on spirituality. I can think about God during and after meditation with a clear mind and a lower stress perspective.

I am still a Christian but I really think Buddhism has some real treasure in it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Spiritual Penguin Chow and Spiritual BARF

OK. I was compelled after reading an article on the Ooze to post on the connection I see between Pastors regurgitating their teachings to their "sheeple" and the fact the mother penguins regurgitate their food into the mouth of the young. In both cases it may keep you alive but do you think the little penguins like eating barf? Well maybe they do.

So go to Church and get loaded up on some regurgitated spiritual puke passed on from generation to generation or think and pray yourself and get some real meat.

A Touch of Nostalgia

I was listening to the 90s at noon on NRQ and taken back to a simpler time in my life. Back when I had little to no financial obligations, met the love of my life, thought of a job as a job not a prison and was idealistic. I believed that people were basically good. That corporations would take care of you if you did a good job. I was becoming a republican though not there yet (that happened in 1999).

I remember good things. Dreams of the future. Nice melodic post grunge music, beer, and lots of time on the BBS. For those who dont know what a BBS is its like a localized chat room.

Now the BBS are all gone. I have become disillusioned with the american dream, I believe that people are out for themselves first, work is slavery to the ruling class so that I can pay off my debt for living during my idealistic days. So I can support the wallet of the tyranical ruling class of this country. Companies will throw you away like a used condom no matter how hard you work.

However not all is lost. I still have the love of my life and I am coming to realize that I cannot lament the past or totally live for the future. I am trying a new thing. Living in the moment. This moment is usually not that bad and if it is, it too will pass.

I sometimes get nostalgic about the good old days. BBS were sometimes free. Some did charge but just to pay for the costs involved. They did it for fun. Now the Internet is all about profit and its just as fucked as the rest of the world. But there is still some good in it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

McDowell Creek Falls

McDowell Falls by ~spiritbear872 on deviantART

Whats new in life

Well not a lot. This weekend we went to a Church campout at a local "Emergent type" Church. The whole thing was geared around couples with little brats (I mean kids). I felt like I had nothing in common with these people even though there were nice at least superfically.

I also had a very intriguing conversation with a coworker of mine who I think is becoming a friend. He is a practicing Buddhist and we had a great talk about God, Buddhism, and Vipassana meditation. Initially my Churchianity background kicked in and alarm bells went off about the idea of trying out a Buddhist meditation technique but why not. Vipassana is esentially atheistic. In that it doesnt require belief in any God. You can take God or leave him. So why cant I as a Christian try it out. So my wife and I did and it was an amazing experience. We just did one 20 minute meditation and I felt better than I have in weeks. I dont feel any less Christian for having tried it. In fact I think I experienced something that could enhance my faith by taking the mind off the cares of this life. I also have found that a lot of teachings of Buddha and Christ as similar. I am not a Buddhist and I dont plan to become one but I have a much deeper appreciation and respect for the Buddhist faith and the practice of meditation. To say that to meditate is anti Christian is like saying that drinking water (unless its holy water) is anti Christian. Perhaps at one time everyone followed the same God. I feel the heresy coming on now.

I am not sure where this is going but I thought I would share the experience.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Some Crazy Shit

Well maybe not shit. I dont want to burn in hell if I am wrong but there is a guy that used to be a fairly decent preacher named Todd Bentley. He is now known for his ongoing revival meetings, yelling BAM and beating the shit out of people because God told him to and they need to be healed. Here is a video from Youtube of this dude.

I cant believe this madness. Its an insult to my religion. wtf?

Thursday, July 17, 2008


My favorite new word. Many people (especially those in Churchianity) are sheeple. Sheeple do what they are told, follow the rules, dont rock the boat and run off the cliff with the latest trend

Wait, Churches teach that as a value

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Initially when Obama became the presumptive nominee, I noticed that some in the left started to bash him and call him a fraud. It seemed that once Hillary Clinton was out of the picture, it became OK to bash the "messiah". I neither thought he was the messiah or did I think he was superman but I did and still do think he is better than Clinton and a lot better than McCain. When I heard the Obama bashing I thought hey lets give the guy a break and support him. Unless he does something unforgivable like cave to the pressure to make Hillary Clinton his running mate.

Well he has done soemthing worse yet I still will vote for him. He has gone from threatening to filibuster the FISA bill to supporting it.

FISA is that evil deplorable bill that allows the Government to spy on its own people.

Obama, please dont sell us all out again. For now you still got my vote but dont do anything else stupid or you may well lose the election.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Pave The World and other ramblings

I saw a T shirt on a guy the other day that said Pave the World. It made me realize just how ignorant some people are. Maybe it was a joke but it seems to me that it is the agenda of some in power. Some who even claim to worship the same God I do and claim to have the same ideals as me. I used to be an ignorant dumb ass too but now I see more of the truth though I still have a lot to learn.

i cant get over how content ignorance can be. I was much more content but now deep down I think I am a better person now that I dont fit into Churchianity or the religious right. I know where I stand. I know what I stand for (in most cases). Take me or leave me. I dont care if you agree with me. Thats the difference between me and the religious right. It also is a major difference between progressives and conservatives. The Churchianity crowd believes they are right and cannot be wrong. I am still a Christian but I am not out to force you to agree with me or believe anything. If anyone wants to know what I believe I will share it but unlike the Religious Right, I wont try to sell you a product.

Progressives treat me with respect regardless of what I belive. Too bad Christians dont tend to do that.

Technorati Thyself

I decided to Technorati search my blog and found out I have friends I didnt even know about. I need to add some more people to my blogroll

If you Technorati yourself it will tell you who all links to you.


Monday, July 07, 2008

Jack the Happy Christian

To the tune of puff the magic dragon we have Jack the Happy Christian. OK I made that part up but this link leads to the cheesiest thing I have seen since Jack Chick's homo's will fry tract. This is the SBC (Southern Baptist Conventions) way of cheapening the message of Jesus Christ into a pathetic sales pitch.
I challenge anyone out there to find where in the Bible it says pray a magic prayer or "accept Jesus in your heart" and you will be saved. Sorry its not there.
Check this out. its quite entertaining.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


I been reading a bunch of Christian feminist blogs lately and am impressed that there are some people out there that dont share the sexist bullshit attitudes of mainstream Churches yet still are content to remain part of such Churches.

Perhaps people like them can change the Church internally.

God, Drugs, Alchohol, and Church

So... I got one for you. Most Church people talk about the bad old days when they were awful sinners back when they were drinkers or weed smokers, or used drugs, or worse, maybe they even cursed George Bush (this one is not in seriousness) But in all seriousness I get tired of the stigma attached to certain behaviours and that good Christians just dont do those kinds of things.

So I challenge anyone out there to give me a good compelling argument why the above activities are sinful and why people who refrain from them and attend Church are "holier than thou"

I see nothing wrong with partying and being a Christian. I am not advocating hard drug use or anything but what is wrong with using certain substances that make you feel better. In moderation is best of course. Have a beer if you want. It wont send you to hell.

I think it goes back to Church people want to be around people like themselves so they project their false morals onto people.

Anyway just some thoughts of the day.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Nothing to say

I got nothing to say today. Well not really nothing. but my thoughts are not joined together enough to make a real post. Not anything really exciting going on. Nothing has pissed me off enough to get my creative juices going. I dont feel depressed or particulary anything. Just normal and quite bored.

Wishing I could go camping this weekend. Maybe will find a cancelled site or just go out in the woods and put up a tent. Who knows.

Today is a semi hot muggy Oregon day. A day where the soupyness of the air almost paralells that of the midwest. I wish it would dry out a bit.

Happy 4th of July everyone. Try to keep in mind what it means to be a real American and stay safe. Dont drink or smoke too much. Unless you really want to


Monday, June 30, 2008

Man Made Disaster

So while people are out there pondering if the right wing will blame those filthy gay librul iwegian farmers for their plight (like they did for the people of New Orleans) I found an interesting semi-local blog entry that points to the cause being man made.

I think Katrina was partly man made too. It hit so hard because the wetlands of Southern Louisiana have been decimated to the point that the ocean is closer to the city.

God didnt do it. Gay people didnt do it. People did do it. Maybe they were gay. Who cares. Most likely corporatist people. Surely not God.

Wisconsin Dells draining of Lake Delton is another example of a MAN MADE debacle. This MAN MADE lake breached its bank and washed away houses. I suppose they all must be gay too. Here is that story

I have been to Wisconsin Dells many times when I lived in MN and even rode on "the ducks" right at the point where Lake Delton gave way. So in some ways this story is close to home even though I am not from Wisconsin. The Dells as its called by locals is (well maybe not so much anymore) a popular vacation spot for the entire upper Midwest. I will miss Lake Delton if I ever get back there. God must have really hated those people.

All my comments about gay people are not to be taken seriously. I am simply making fun of the right wing attempts to blame everything on someone other than themselves and to involve God in things that God didnt cause.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Marketplace Christians

Robert E. Fraser wrote a book that I have not read but what I have read about it is that its purpose is to help people see spiritual value in their work.

I struggle with this daily. Corporations exist to make money. For no other reason. They have no heart. No soul just an undying devotion to the love of money. How then can working for a corporation ever be anything but evil?

Now before you bash me I would like to say that I dont think making a living is evil or doing regular work. However I have a hard time getting any gratification out of working for a corporation. The corporations very existance is a stench in the nostrils of God if we are to belive that the love of money is the root of all evil.

I would like to find spiritual value in corporate work. But I write off books like this and a few that I have read as the ministers way of trying to make normal people feel like they are worth something. And they are. Just not for working for a corporation.

Does God care one way or another about work? Does he even go to work with me? Can he stand to be present in a corporation when the nature of a corporation is eviler than that of Satan. again that is if we are to bellieve the love of money is the root of all evil.

Many people make a living doing things and not working for corporations.

What do you think people? I am curious. I am not sure myself

Sign by Danasoft - Myspace Layouts and Signs

Sign by Danasoft - Myspace Layouts and Signs

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

What we get passionate about?

First off I am glad to know there are some who still read this thing. I wondered if that were still the case.

Anyway to the point. I been thinking about what makes us passionate about changing things and the answer is when it affects us.

Here is an example that is weird. When I was 18 I did a lot of traveling. I couldnt rent a car and occasionally I had problems with motels that wanted you to be 21 to rent a room. Nothing pissed me off more. Since I was 18 I wasnt good enough to have a place to sleep. I said to myself when I am over 21 and if and when I become powerful I will do something about this social injustice. If nothing else I was going to only do business with motels that would rent to those who were under 21. Well once I hit 21 I stopped caring so much. Sure philosophically I still think its unfair but now that I am 35 it doesnt affect me so I dont care so much.

Another example is car insurance companies that use credit scores for rates. This deporable evil practice hurts me because my credit is not great. I say to myself when my credit improves I will boycott those who do this evil and do business with those who dont. But chances are I wont.

Why dont people do something about the homeless? Because we have homes. Who cares about the unemployed when we have jobs. Who cares about the hungry when we have food.

I think the problem in the country and society isnt that people dont care in theory. Just that people only really care enough to make a difference if it directly affects them. Unfortunately the young, the poor, the homeless, those with bad credit arent the ones who have the power. So therefore the powerful make decisions that help them. Why do you think we have such a shitty society?

Only when people will fight for the rights of others when it doesnt help them (or may even hurt them) will real change take place. Who is with me?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What the F(bleep)

OK I have calmed down. But I want to say God where the hell are you? I know you are here. At least I want to believe you havent left me here like this.

Though maybe this calmness is the peace of God. I dont think its the right emotion or maybe its just I dont know. I think I let it all out in the last post and feel better.

Anyway I have calmed down. I question why would God lead us in a direction and then drop us on our ass? Either I dont see a piece of the puzzle or something is not right. One week back here and I have totally lost focus again. I dont get it

Ramblings of a depressed madman (dont read if you dont want to) FBOMB AHEAD



Monday, June 09, 2008

Racism and Rush and Double Standard

Yesterday I woke up to Rush Limbaugh who I think is quite entertaining. Now does anyone remember when Don Imus called a couple of women "nappy headed hos" and what happend to him? He got in big trouble.

Yesterday Rush was playing the parody song "Barack the Magic Negro" on his show and nobody is trying to oust him for it.

Proof that if those in control like your message and you have money, you can get away with anything.

How is nappy headed hos worse than Barack the Magic Negro? Both are racist statements.

Just goes to show you who runs the media.

It just pissed me off.

Old Friends/Family/????

Yesterday I found the phone number of a woman who was kind of like a second mother to me. She is someone who used to be my moms best friend but since my mom has broken all ties to old friend and family and claims they are "evil" I can no longer let my mom know I am in contact with this woman. How f'd up is that. Funny thing is they both are born again Christians. Weird.

Another funny twist on this is this womans daughter has always been close to me. At one point I thought I was in love with her because I didnt understand what I felt. It is love of a sort but she is more like a sister to me than a girlfriend. I just didnt get it back in 93 and almost ruined the relationship by thinking I was in love. I am sure that makes no sense. She and I have always had a spiritual connection and can tell when the other is in trouble. Even when havent spoken in years and are seperated by thousands of miles. Almost like twin syndrome but we arent related. At least not by blood. I dont know what caused this connection. Most Christians would reject such a thing as nonsense.

My wife is cool with this because the relationship is totally non-sexual. Its like a brother/sister thing. Just a close friendship that seems to transcend time and distance. I know its totally weird. Once i didnt talk to her for 8 years because once she rejected me as a boyfriend my mom thought she was evil. My mind was like scrambled eggs ans swiss cheese. I didnt know what I believed about anything or anyone so I just didnt talk to her or anyone else from my past. First I found the bottle and buried all feelings with booze. Then I moved to Idaho to forget. While living there, I found myself. Then I found my wife. My one true love. Now I know what love is and I am not confused anymore.

Today I going to call my long lost friend. She and I have been text messaging today. Now its only been two years since I talked to her but when I moved to Albany I lost her contact info. The eight year block of time was after I moved to Idaho until 2002.

I spoke to her mother yesterday who still considers my mom a good friend and would forgive her for everything if she would talk to her. My mom still maintains they have all gone to the dark side. I dont see how.

Anyway. I wanted to share this with my friends in the blogosphere. I hope the way I wrote it, it made some sense.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Obama dont let us down

I like Obama and will vote for him unless he does something horrible. I do fear one thing about him. His backbone.

After the Jeremiah Wright and Pfleger controvesy, Obama resigned from his Church. This disturbs me. I question his loyalty and willingness to stick with people when it may affect him politically.

If he offers the VP spot to Hillary this will further erode my trust of him. Hillary doesnt deserve it and if Obama can be bullied by the Clintons and is willing to stoop that low to get a few votes, then he doesnt have what it takes to lead the nation.

What Obama does in the next month will show a lot about his character. He should choose someone other than Hillary. Yes he should unite the party but if he cannot take a stand against the Clintons than how can he take a stand against an enemy.

If Obama offers Hillary the VP, I will lose all respect for the man and not trust him. I will however still vote for him.

I also think it would be dumb for him to offer it to Hillary for another reason. Hillary is power hungry and mentally unbalanced. It wouldnt surprise me if she causes Obama to have an unfortunate accident or scandal after he gets elected. Thats how much I dont trust her.

We shall see

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Long but make you laugh ass off

This is so good I stole it

Official Christian Perspective = In many churches, this is an application to many of the personal ideologies made corporate theologies propogated by ministers such as Dobson, Robertson, Falwell, and others where real Christianity is dictated by how much and how well you subscribe to the "Republican, anti-DEMONcrat, pro school voucher, ban the 'marriage tax penality', feminized Promise Keeper, butterfly kissing dad, married to the stay-at-home mom, calling themselves "single income" but the mom sells Avon, tupperware, vitamins, Amway, etc. at night, homeschool the seven kids who look like the Precious Moments Figurines living in the Thomas Kinckade gingerbread houses in the meadow next to the brook where the deer pants reminiscent of Little House on The Prairie" where the environment appears to be "sanitized", "isolated", and "overprotected" while driving recklessly their woodgrained minivan with the soccer ball sticker on the gas tank lid and the "Christianese' bumper stickers on the back door listening to praise and worship in the cassette deck. To disagree with some or all of this concept in public, in forums, in the local church, etc. causes one to be labeled as "bitter", "heretic", "bigoted", "narrowminded", etc by the leaders and the followers who love to dictate the "official Christian perspective". There is not necessarily a problem with many of these characteristics and concepts such as Republicans, homeschooling, extra-incomes in and of itself. The problem is when people who call themselves ministers of the Gospel have stated, implied, etc that failure to be or follow through those characteristics deems one as a "fake" and / or "inferior" Christian deemed for hell while those who do are "real", "annointed", and "superior" Christians who will receive 'super special secret blessings in their heavenly crown.

Interesting Company Name

The company that makes RFID tags is called Alien Technology. I wonder if they really are from soem other planet

Read this and Freak

RFID at Mall Wart


That RFID tag follows you home doesn't it? Tells them where that box of Cheerios lives. When they know where the Cheerios live, they know where you live. When they know where you live, the Gestapo will arrive soon.


The question is who are they? The it exists. Its just the they we are waiting for.


The world is like a stupid child with a big plug in its hand ready to plug into the beast. Like a dog ready to hand its leash over to the master.


Resist or be screwed

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hello from Idaho

I am writing this from my vacation. My wife and I drove to Meridian, Idaho. That is suburban Boise.

If you want to see pics, I am posting them to my Flickr account

Idaho is interesting. Here it is suburbia and growing fast. I just got back from a business trip to So Cal and to me Idaho looks like it wants to become LA. I couldnt tell the difference between Meridian and Oxnard except for the absence of palm trees. Its all turning into strip malls along the highway. Its sad to see that in a red state like Idaho they let it go to hell. My wife is sad because the Meridian, Idaho she grew up in is almost unrecognizable.

Thank God for Oregons land use laws. You can really see it if you compare Portland to Boise.

We got WAY up into the mountains today. Past Idaho City to a place called Mores Creek Summit. The elvation was 6100 feet and there were no cars hardly. It really reminded me of Colorado.

I could feel the presence of God up there. That may seem nutty but I really felt close to God and like everything in the world was OK. I had an encounter.

I am not trying to be preachy but I knew that God had me in his hand and all was fine. I realize that there is something so much bigger than all this and we have little control of it. IT was a good peaceful thing. Nothing to fear Just peace and love all the way.

I feel like I now have new direction in life and a desire to live life to the fullest. My wife experienced it too. Just a feeling that all is well in the universe and nothing was beyond the control of God.

I interpret God as Jesus Christ since I am a Christian. Though I am not going to become religious and preachy. The world has enough of that already.

You may think it was lack of oxygen at that level but to me it was real. I now want to be a better person. Nobody can argue with that.

Peace and Love to all.

When I get back I will go to Open Forum and share the experience. Not in a religious way.

Maybe in a few days everthing will be as it was. Maybe not thought. This was a life changing thing. I have experienced this before but not for some time.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Back in Oregon for the week

I have been back in Oregon since Saturday working my buns off.

One more day then a vacation for a week in Idaho. I should have plenty of time to ponder the universe and blog there.

I am hoping to connect spiritually and get my head cleared out more on this trip and figure out what we are to do next. There is a chance that once my wife graduates from college, we may move away or stay. Who knows.

Things have been intense. Gotta slow down.

Down in California, I worked over 60 hours in one week.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Greetings from Oxnard

I am writing from beautiful Oxnard, CA. Or is it Ox Nards? I have the perfect pic for what I think of when I hear the word Oxnard but its back in Oregon and though taken in California, it was not Oxnard. But it does have Ox Nards in it.

Anyway, on a serious note. I am down here setting up the new store for the company I work for. I was all worried about flying. I no longer fear TSA or planes. It was fine. The guy who gave me a ride from LAX was a lot scarier. He would do well as a crash test dummy.

Being here has been nice in many ways. The warm weather and sunshine is doing wonders for my depression. But I still wouldnt want to live here. This place looks very plastic and fake. But it is beautiful

I had hoped to meet up with the guys from SCP but they are in Orange County which is Southern California and part of LA, its 100 miles away and I have been too busy to get out of Oxnard/Ventura County.

12 hour work days suck but the pay will be good. The job is done and I get to go home tomorrow.

This has been a good thing. I have revaulated some things and ready to move on with life.

One more week to go and then I get to take a vacation to beautiful Meridian, Idaho. If you like desert and mormons, its heaven on Earth.

Take care everyone. I hope all is well.

Thanks for all the support people have given me when I was freaked out about flying. I was amazed how much the same it is as pre 9/11. The security is a farce and nothing to be feared. Well I am not sure of that but I am not worried.

I cant wait to get home and see my wife. I miss her so much right now

Monday, May 12, 2008

I think I am a control freak

I realize something as the day of getting on a plane for the first time in 14 years is upon me Wednesday. I am not really afraid the damn thing is gonna crash. I fear:

1) The control the airport security can have
2) The control the airline pilot will have
3) The control the people I work with will have over my schedule
4) The loss of control of my own activities

I always thought it odd I dont like to be a passenger in a car but want to drive.

I am a control freak


We did go to see Obama on Friday and I will say I am more likely to vote for him now then before but I dont think he is the savior of the world that so many portray him as. He is an excellent speaker and has a lot of charisma. But I wouldnt say his presence was mesmerizing. It was en event I will remember for a long time though.

I believe he is a sincere man with good intentions. I do not think he will be successful in all he plans to do as President. I think he will make major change during his first term and then slowly become more like one of them. If he doesnt become more like them, I dont think he can get re-elected unless the Republicans put up another doofus like McCain. I could be proven wrong but power corrupts and I think it would be foolish to assume that Obama is any exception to this. To succeed as a politician, one must compromise. That is why the best people never succeed as politicians and those who succeed as politicians make me suspicious.

He is the best choice that is left so I am endorsing Obama. I would even go so far as to say that I like him. Not that my endorsement means a damn thing except that I will vote for him if he doesnt get the nomination stolen from him by the EVIL Clintons.

I would vote for Nader and think he would be a better person but what we need now is a less bad politician. Obama is our man for the job. Who knows he may turn out to even be halfway decent.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Something stirring up in my heart

Maybe it is God. Maybe its the diet killing reeses and 5 hr energy for breakfast but I have a familiar feeling on me today. Back in the old days I would have called it "the call of God". Now I am not sure. It is a feeling of:

1) Intense passion to do something. To help people. To ease the minds of those on confused spiritual journeys. To point the way to hope. (wow I sound like a motivational speaker. Maybe there is a future for me in a van down by the river. LOL. SNL reference may be missed by some)

2) A sensation that I was created to do more than just work 40-60 hours a week for the man to make money so that I can do it again.

3) A desire to do something meaningful with my life

4) A feeling that if my faith is real and strong I should be able to do anything

Heres the deal. In the old days I would say there is the call. I better find out how to change careers and go into the ministry. Now I think there are plenty of people "in the ministry" and do we really need more. I feel like my current job may take too much out of me to have enough left to do something meaningful but I really want to dedicate my life to something other than helping others with their pursuit of a the almighty dollar. I am not really a money minded person. I want to make enough to live but if my basic needs were met, I think I could be quite happy in a van down by the river (assuming the van is big enough to hold me).

Its not a struggle. If anything it feels good. I think I need to find my lost goals and start moving toward them.

Enough madness for today.

Later all

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Obama in Albany

Tomorrow Barack Obama is going to be speaking in Albany and we got tickets. I believe if you get in close proximity to a person where you can see and hear them first hand you can really get a feel for what the person is all about. So I want to go.

At this point, I would call myself an Obama supporter though I would rather support a third party candidate and may vote for Nader. I like what Obama says but how real is he.

Will I know by seeing him? Probably not. Will I have a more defined opinion of what he is all about? Maybe.

Can I tell my grandkids that I saw the first black presidential candidate that had a chance in person, yes.

It just seemed like a once in a lifetime opportunity. I will post about the experience tomorrow.

The tickets are probably gone so if anyone didnt know then perhaps its too late. But maybe if you are going see you there

Monday, May 05, 2008

Oregon Voters Guide Phone Sex

I heard about this on KPOJ this AM and got a good laugh. Apparently the voter guide has the wrong phone number listed for info and it goes to a number that you call to get numbers for phone sex.


Maybe that was the number for the politicians after they get into office.

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Corvallis Open Forum

I keep missing it and so badly want to go. I have had to work a couple of Saturdays due to servers dying etc, This Saturday I have to work and the next two I will be out of town.


I posted this to allow my friends in Corvallis to know I haven’t forgotten them or the Open Forum




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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The meaning of life

I have figured it all out. Well not all of it and if I really had it all figured out that would mean I really don’t know.


Those who read this blog (I have a few readers and friends left), probably have noticed I have taken on a semi bipolar tone lately and seem very depressed and unstable. No I haven’t really lost it. Just some ups and downs and medication blunders. Work has had its stresses too but work is just work.. I think I know what has happened and I want to share to spare others from doing what I did because nobody should do that.


I have been on anti depressants on and off since 2002. I got lazy and missed a few days and decided that Zoloft wasn’t working anymore and I didn’t want to be controlled by the evil pharmaceutical industry any longer. So l I quit cold turkey. If I wasn’t a depressed person that certainly f’d up my brain in ways that cannot be described.


I am now taking St Johns Wort which is an herb and it seems to be working as well as Zoloft ever did.


I did the same damn thing in 2004 when I was on Effexor (this is Satans drug). Effexor made my brain get stuck in nonsensical places. It still happens. Its like my mind is running Windows and it blue screens. I should sue them for dain bramage but I wouldn’t win and it has improved.  Anyway, in 04 a friend of my wife who I have blogged about before convinced me that taking antidepressants was a lack of faith and well God wants me to stop taking it and have a deliverance (the screaming demon kind, not the squealing pig variety). Going off effexor cold turkey was the closest thing to hell I have ever imagined. I went on Zoloft after that. It dulled the hell but didn’t fix it. After a few months, it stabilized and life was good again.


The worst is over and the St Johns Wort is much better. Its natural and a lot cheaper than the other stuff. I have taken it before and it doesn’t damage the brain


 Here is the moral of the story:


Effexor was invented by Satan to torment people. Avoid it like the plague. I think I would rather have the plague. Those who die without Christ go to an eternity of effexor withdrawal. That is a joke, please don’t get theological on me.


If you are on an antidepressant that doesn’t mean you have problems but PLEASE don’t stop taking it suddenly. If you don’t believe in hell, you will if you try that.


If you don’t need to be on an antidepressant, don’t go on one. They fuck with your mind. No other way to say it. But why not, it supports the disease so big pharma can give you more pills to counteract the pills you took.


Thanks to all who prayed for and supported me during this time. I cant really say things were bad but it sure seemed that way at the time. Life is fine just as it was.


My wife was on that satan drug and she is off it now too. Her experience was no better.


So the good old me the way I was before this (about mid march) is coming back and will be blogging about important things. Though if I can stop even one person from going on or worse yet going off of antidepressants, I will feel like. Well I like I saved a poor soul from hell.


Take care everyone. More to come soon.



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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Im a freaking slob

OK. I admit it. I am a slob. I tried operation CRAP (as recommended by Ninjanun). I just cant do it. My wife is WORSE. We are both slobs. Neither of us can look at a house and just jump in and clean. We can walk over piles of crap (not literal crap, I do have standards) for weeks rather than move it out of the way.


My boss is a self proclaimed neat freak. All my life I have been tormented by people who are neat freaks. Sure everything is a mess and I cant find anything but I get the job done. I admit its gone too far.


I once prayed to God for the gift of organization. Then for one day I started to be organized. I got terrified and begged God to take the gift back. I don’t want to be a neat freak. I fear it. My mom used to be a neat freak and drove me nuts. I have always thought appearance was a waste of time. In my job, I want things to WORK not to look good. Wires everywhere is a sign of a good technician. A clean server office is a sign that no work actually gets done. When things are orderly, I really cant find anything.


Maybe I am wrong.


I love my slobby self and my slobby wife. How can I learn to fake it as a neat freak without being one? Also it would be nice to know what is in our garage. A bunch of boxes we brought from the last place and from the place before. There could be dead rats in there for all I know.


That’s my dilemma of the day.



Monday, April 21, 2008

Saw this over at the Crallspace

How to Win a Fight With a Conservative is the ultimate survival guide for political arguments

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Im better now

I took the weekend off and was able to reflect and think. I believe I needed to pray and rest. My outlook is better. I felt overwhelmed.


I still don’t have any fear of the trip but I do feel more so I don’t feel disconnected like I did. I think fear and exhaustion were the culprits.


My wife and I did some prayer/counseling on Sunday. Its hard to explain but it made a HUGE difference.


I don’t think I was losing my grip on reality now. I just think I was burned out and tired.


Thanks for all the encouragement to those who responded and emailed me.

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The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Church well sort of

In addiiton to all the madness my wife and I have been attending a sort of a Church meeting in Salem on Sunday nights. Its an informal group at the Pastors house. I kind of like it. It makes me feel better when I am there. I havent gotten down to where they are at on many issues.

This is sort of an emerging yet not emergent postmodern meeting pseudo non-church.

Can church in a new package really be the answer to avoiding the stupid things church people do.

These people seem very sincere. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about this considering my new way of thinking.

I dont want to be a fundie anymore so to speak yet I like hanging out with people and talking about God and spiritual things. Will this lead to just another church or could this group really get it.

I made a statement in a meeting that I stole (or borrowed) from someone on an SCP podcast. I am not sure if it was Ninjanun who said it or if it was Steve (not that they sound the same I just know it was on the podcast where Ninjanun called Steve).

The statement and I do not quote correctly was something to the effect of we need to stop doing church and start being the church.

I said that to the pastor of this group now he is saying it in meetings. Thats cool because I agree with it.

I think I will fire up the old MP3 player and listen to that podcast again. Perhaps I will then see how badly I am quoting whoever said it.

Is this what losing your mind feels like?

OK first off. I missed open forum today which broke my heart but car problems were the culprit. Sorry guys. I will make it when I can. I hope was good despite the crazy weather.

Now I am going to share some stuff that might make me seem like a nut.

I havent been in an airport since 1994 when I flew from Denver to SLC. It was not eventful. I was nervous because in 1991 I watched Die Hard 2 one too many times and developed a bit of a fear of flying but all went well.

I just didnt need to fly. Well until now. I am not afraid of plane crashes. I think I have a non-existant phobia. The fear of airport security.

My on again off again now on again trip to LA is now on again. I had been terrified of the prospect of flying in a post 9/11 world. Not that the plane would crash but that TSA or the military might whisk me away to a gitmo or some secret prison designed for thought criminals just because I seem nervous. Well all was well because it was cancelled. What a weight off me.

Then last weekend happend when all hell broke loose at work. I worked a lot of the weekend and got little sleep. All week I have felt disconnected and its freaking me out. Now I find out I am going to fly to LA around May 1st and I am not scared. I feel nothing. Not because I have overcome my fear but just because I feel so disconnected it doesnt seem real. Nothing has felt real to me since last weekend and I think I may be totally losing it. I go to work. I do my job. I dont feel depressed. I just dont feel. I dont care. I still care that I dont care but I think I am officially burned out.

The fact I am not afraid of my upcoming trip has me terrified. Perhaps its just the herbs I been taking. Perhaps this is the detachment that burnout brings. I am not sure. I actually feel OK just disconnected. Like I am watching myself go through life rather than really being there. Maybe I just need a nice weekend off of work. I am not working this weekend. Maybe its a miracle and I have overcome my fear of airport security in a heartbeat but I think it is more than that. I think I may be losing my grip on reality.

I am actaully looking forward to going to California not to have to be at work for a day. Yet I dont dislike what I do. Its weird.
I have a vacation planned for the end of May but that doesnt feel any more real to me than if it were 5 years from now. Maybe thats what I need.

It is hard to post this in a blog. Though nobody at my work knows the blogging me. At work, I am someone else. Nobody knows who I really am. I feel like an imposter in that world. But I gotta do what I gotta do to make money. It sickens me. I think I would break the law or do anything management wanted just for that paycheck.

The emotions associated with this have to be going somewhere. I think it scares me because though I have experienced burnout a couple of times, this feels weird.

What I wish I could do is just start over somewhere else but what would that accomplish.

I will shut up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I just thought getting this out there and typing it might make it better.

Anyone who has any idea what the hell may be going on please comment.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A couple updates

My trip to LA has been cancelled. Apparently the company wants to save money and have me walk them thru setting up the network. That ought to go great. Sales people are so good with computers. If they can set up a network than what do they need me for. Whatever. I was excited about going but in a way I am relieved.

The next big recreation will probably be a trip to Idaho in late May and probably a trip to Seattle sometime this summer to see my dad and maybe a few friends

I am also looking forward to Corvallis open forum starting up again I believe a week from Saturday.

I have been too busy to be outraged about much. As things slow down I will probably think of more to say. Until then, peace and love to all

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

New Post

Here is what I have been up to. Mostly working, working and more working. I dont want to give up blogging and I wont but its been hard to have time to do much.

My wife and I are alive and well.

My mood has stabilized. I am off the Zoloft and taking St Johns Wort and Kava Kava. This seems to be helping the moodiness and the depression. Life is good but I want to make things better.

I slipped badly on my diet but I plan to get back to it and work out more as well. Its hard to stick with things.

What the future holds is a big ????. Once my wife gets her degree its hard to say where we will end up.

I also want to get back into doing the Flickr 365 and staying in contact with friends.

Though right now I would like to get lost in the woods and find myself first

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Im not dead

Sorry to all who have responded to posts, emailed me or posted to me in other places. I have been so busy this week I am not even getting much sleep. I have even fallen behind on my Flickr 365.


I will get back into it this weekend.


Hope all are doing well

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Last post

No this won't be my last I still have shit to say

I am referring to the last post I made. I was panicked because of a stressful day at work and mad at god. I would like to have closeness to god again just not dure what that would look like now
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Where is Gods Will?

I feel so far from God right now. My wife seems to think we are in God’s will (whatever that means anymore) but I cant buy it. I thought God gave us this place to live. Now I realize we are living in a neighborhood that is like a demilitarized zone. Well maybe not a demilitarized zone but one person has been killed in this subdivision. I thought he gave me my job. But all I live for at work is making money for the company. What I do doesnt make any difference Its all about kissing the asses of the rich. What is that about? Why would God allow such madness.

I thought he provided for us but we live paycheck to paycheck from a thread being dangled by greedy white men with power. Is that God?

I feel like if we were in Gods will things would at least appear to make sense or have some point. My wife is going to college. She may amount to something. I don’t think I have much of a chance to do anything meaningful anymore. I am too corporatized and too many are financially dependent on me staying that way. I have to do whatever I have to do to make money. I dont even know what I would do if I could do whatever I want. What I want to do has never been an option and I dont foresee that changing anytime soon. I make money. Thats what I am good for and thats fscked up.

Where is God in this? My faith is weakening right now. When I was active in ministry, I felt life had some kind of purpose. Now I feel like what the hell is it about. When I was in Churchianity I justified these times in the past as well I just wasn’t in Gods will at that time but now that I am things are better. There was a sense of false pride in how crappy things used to be and now how great they are because of living for God. Now I must be out of Gods will again because its like it was in the days of the stories or testimonies as they call them.

I also realize that compared to life in third world countries, things are great. So why do people in third world countries seem so damn happy with what little they have.

I guess I have everything I need. I just wish I knew if my faith was in God or in some corporate CEO who could destroy our very life if profits happen to be down. Would God allow this to happen if I were really in his will. Would he even let me feel the fear. Would he allow me to be working for someone who could do that. People who love money. Would it ever be Gods will for his child to help people to make money and get richer.

I sound depressed and I guess I am but moreso just burned out and don’t give a shit anymore. Dont worry about me. I will be fine as always. Maybe that is God at work. I dont know. Does he get some sick satisfaction is screwing with people?

God if you read this blog, please explain why the hell I am working so hard to sustain this f8cked up situation afloat instead of saying the hell with it and starting over like I used to. God where are you?

I dont even have a legitimate reason to feel this way. Maybe I just need a vacation.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

What am I listening to?

This site is probably an invasion of privacy and probably gonna sell me out to the man but for now I think its interesting I can share my weird musical tastes with blog readers. It tells you what I have played. At least on my work PC. I don’t condone it but go ahead and watch me. Whats next? Freaking reality TV.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Eating Sacred Cows

Just the title of this free ebook got my attention. Someone once posted that sacred cows make the best hamburger. I think it was comment on this blog but I don’t feel like looking for it. Whoever said it, you know who you are.


Back to reality, (see my ADD mind wander all over again), this ebook is about tithing and why we don’t need to do it. Many who have been reading this blog for a while know I like tithing as much as I like mandatory health insurance.


This is from an assumed fundamentalist Christian background (which I have some issue with at this point) but its an interesting read if you ever need to refute someone who preaches tithing and speak in fundise instead of English


I think I am going to cook up some sacred bocaburgers tonight and serve them up on some locarb pita bread.


I am sensing the need to blow off the diet and have lunch at McDonalds. Though it would probably kill me now.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Scary yet cool

This is street level view on Google maps. The link will take you to a photo of the home in Minnesota that I spent part of my early childhood in. My parents moved in when I was 7 months old.


Anyway, the detail is great but at the same time very frightening. Surveillance society here we come. Check it out,-93.249893&spn=0.021705,0.053988&z=15&layer=c&cbll=44.887688,-93.252907&cbp=2,107.00760116867124,,0,-0.02697855294114447>