Where is Gods Will?

I feel so far from God right now. My wife seems to think we are in God’s will (whatever that means anymore) but I cant buy it. I thought God gave us this place to live. Now I realize we are living in a neighborhood that is like a demilitarized zone. Well maybe not a demilitarized zone but one person has been killed in this subdivision. I thought he gave me my job. But all I live for at work is making money for the company. What I do doesnt make any difference Its all about kissing the asses of the rich. What is that about? Why would God allow such madness.

I thought he provided for us but we live paycheck to paycheck from a thread being dangled by greedy white men with power. Is that God?

I feel like if we were in Gods will things would at least appear to make sense or have some point. My wife is going to college. She may amount to something. I don’t think I have much of a chance to do anything meaningful anymore. I am too corporatized and too many are financially dependent on me staying that way. I have to do whatever I have to do to make money. I dont even know what I would do if I could do whatever I want. What I want to do has never been an option and I dont foresee that changing anytime soon. I make money. Thats what I am good for and thats fscked up.

Where is God in this? My faith is weakening right now. When I was active in ministry, I felt life had some kind of purpose. Now I feel like what the hell is it about. When I was in Churchianity I justified these times in the past as well I just wasn’t in Gods will at that time but now that I am things are better. There was a sense of false pride in how crappy things used to be and now how great they are because of living for God. Now I must be out of Gods will again because its like it was in the days of the stories or testimonies as they call them.

I also realize that compared to life in third world countries, things are great. So why do people in third world countries seem so damn happy with what little they have.

I guess I have everything I need. I just wish I knew if my faith was in God or in some corporate CEO who could destroy our very life if profits happen to be down. Would God allow this to happen if I were really in his will. Would he even let me feel the fear. Would he allow me to be working for someone who could do that. People who love money. Would it ever be Gods will for his child to help people to make money and get richer.

I sound depressed and I guess I am but moreso just burned out and don’t give a shit anymore. Dont worry about me. I will be fine as always. Maybe that is God at work. I dont know. Does he get some sick satisfaction is screwing with people?

God if you read this blog, please explain why the hell I am working so hard to sustain this f8cked up situation afloat instead of saying the hell with it and starting over like I used to. God where are you?

I dont even have a legitimate reason to feel this way. Maybe I just need a vacation.