Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The meaning of life

I have figured it all out. Well not all of it and if I really had it all figured out that would mean I really don’t know.


Those who read this blog (I have a few readers and friends left), probably have noticed I have taken on a semi bipolar tone lately and seem very depressed and unstable. No I haven’t really lost it. Just some ups and downs and medication blunders. Work has had its stresses too but work is just work.. I think I know what has happened and I want to share to spare others from doing what I did because nobody should do that.


I have been on anti depressants on and off since 2002. I got lazy and missed a few days and decided that Zoloft wasn’t working anymore and I didn’t want to be controlled by the evil pharmaceutical industry any longer. So l I quit cold turkey. If I wasn’t a depressed person that certainly f’d up my brain in ways that cannot be described.


I am now taking St Johns Wort which is an herb and it seems to be working as well as Zoloft ever did.


I did the same damn thing in 2004 when I was on Effexor (this is Satans drug). Effexor made my brain get stuck in nonsensical places. It still happens. Its like my mind is running Windows and it blue screens. I should sue them for dain bramage but I wouldn’t win and it has improved.  Anyway, in 04 a friend of my wife who I have blogged about before convinced me that taking antidepressants was a lack of faith and well God wants me to stop taking it and have a deliverance (the screaming demon kind, not the squealing pig variety). Going off effexor cold turkey was the closest thing to hell I have ever imagined. I went on Zoloft after that. It dulled the hell but didn’t fix it. After a few months, it stabilized and life was good again.


The worst is over and the St Johns Wort is much better. Its natural and a lot cheaper than the other stuff. I have taken it before and it doesn’t damage the brain


 Here is the moral of the story:


Effexor was invented by Satan to torment people. Avoid it like the plague. I think I would rather have the plague. Those who die without Christ go to an eternity of effexor withdrawal. That is a joke, please don’t get theological on me.


If you are on an antidepressant that doesn’t mean you have problems but PLEASE don’t stop taking it suddenly. If you don’t believe in hell, you will if you try that.


If you don’t need to be on an antidepressant, don’t go on one. They fuck with your mind. No other way to say it. But why not, it supports the disease so big pharma can give you more pills to counteract the pills you took.


Thanks to all who prayed for and supported me during this time. I cant really say things were bad but it sure seemed that way at the time. Life is fine just as it was.


My wife was on that satan drug and she is off it now too. Her experience was no better.


So the good old me the way I was before this (about mid march) is coming back and will be blogging about important things. Though if I can stop even one person from going on or worse yet going off of antidepressants, I will feel like. Well I like I saved a poor soul from hell.


Take care everyone. More to come soon.



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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Im a freaking slob

OK. I admit it. I am a slob. I tried operation CRAP (as recommended by Ninjanun). I just cant do it. My wife is WORSE. We are both slobs. Neither of us can look at a house and just jump in and clean. We can walk over piles of crap (not literal crap, I do have standards) for weeks rather than move it out of the way.


My boss is a self proclaimed neat freak. All my life I have been tormented by people who are neat freaks. Sure everything is a mess and I cant find anything but I get the job done. I admit its gone too far.


I once prayed to God for the gift of organization. Then for one day I started to be organized. I got terrified and begged God to take the gift back. I don’t want to be a neat freak. I fear it. My mom used to be a neat freak and drove me nuts. I have always thought appearance was a waste of time. In my job, I want things to WORK not to look good. Wires everywhere is a sign of a good technician. A clean server office is a sign that no work actually gets done. When things are orderly, I really cant find anything.


Maybe I am wrong.


I love my slobby self and my slobby wife. How can I learn to fake it as a neat freak without being one? Also it would be nice to know what is in our garage. A bunch of boxes we brought from the last place and from the place before. There could be dead rats in there for all I know.


That’s my dilemma of the day.



Monday, April 21, 2008

Saw this over at the Crallspace

How to Win a Fight With a Conservative is the ultimate survival guide for political arguments

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Im better now

I took the weekend off and was able to reflect and think. I believe I needed to pray and rest. My outlook is better. I felt overwhelmed.


I still don’t have any fear of the trip but I do feel more so I don’t feel disconnected like I did. I think fear and exhaustion were the culprits.


My wife and I did some prayer/counseling on Sunday. Its hard to explain but it made a HUGE difference.


I don’t think I was losing my grip on reality now. I just think I was burned out and tired.


Thanks for all the encouragement to those who responded and emailed me.

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

Church well sort of

In addiiton to all the madness my wife and I have been attending a sort of a Church meeting in Salem on Sunday nights. Its an informal group at the Pastors house. I kind of like it. It makes me feel better when I am there. I havent gotten down to where they are at on many issues.

This is sort of an emerging yet not emergent postmodern meeting pseudo non-church.

Can church in a new package really be the answer to avoiding the stupid things church people do.

These people seem very sincere. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about this considering my new way of thinking.

I dont want to be a fundie anymore so to speak yet I like hanging out with people and talking about God and spiritual things. Will this lead to just another church or could this group really get it.

I made a statement in a meeting that I stole (or borrowed) from someone on an SCP podcast. I am not sure if it was Ninjanun who said it or if it was Steve (not that they sound the same I just know it was on the podcast where Ninjanun called Steve).

The statement and I do not quote correctly was something to the effect of we need to stop doing church and start being the church.

I said that to the pastor of this group now he is saying it in meetings. Thats cool because I agree with it.

I think I will fire up the old MP3 player and listen to that podcast again. Perhaps I will then see how badly I am quoting whoever said it.

Is this what losing your mind feels like?

OK first off. I missed open forum today which broke my heart but car problems were the culprit. Sorry guys. I will make it when I can. I hope was good despite the crazy weather.

Now I am going to share some stuff that might make me seem like a nut.

I havent been in an airport since 1994 when I flew from Denver to SLC. It was not eventful. I was nervous because in 1991 I watched Die Hard 2 one too many times and developed a bit of a fear of flying but all went well.

I just didnt need to fly. Well until now. I am not afraid of plane crashes. I think I have a non-existant phobia. The fear of airport security.

My on again off again now on again trip to LA is now on again. I had been terrified of the prospect of flying in a post 9/11 world. Not that the plane would crash but that TSA or the military might whisk me away to a gitmo or some secret prison designed for thought criminals just because I seem nervous. Well all was well because it was cancelled. What a weight off me.

Then last weekend happend when all hell broke loose at work. I worked a lot of the weekend and got little sleep. All week I have felt disconnected and its freaking me out. Now I find out I am going to fly to LA around May 1st and I am not scared. I feel nothing. Not because I have overcome my fear but just because I feel so disconnected it doesnt seem real. Nothing has felt real to me since last weekend and I think I may be totally losing it. I go to work. I do my job. I dont feel depressed. I just dont feel. I dont care. I still care that I dont care but I think I am officially burned out.

The fact I am not afraid of my upcoming trip has me terrified. Perhaps its just the herbs I been taking. Perhaps this is the detachment that burnout brings. I am not sure. I actually feel OK just disconnected. Like I am watching myself go through life rather than really being there. Maybe I just need a nice weekend off of work. I am not working this weekend. Maybe its a miracle and I have overcome my fear of airport security in a heartbeat but I think it is more than that. I think I may be losing my grip on reality.

I am actaully looking forward to going to California not to have to be at work for a day. Yet I dont dislike what I do. Its weird.
I have a vacation planned for the end of May but that doesnt feel any more real to me than if it were 5 years from now. Maybe thats what I need.

It is hard to post this in a blog. Though nobody at my work knows the blogging me. At work, I am someone else. Nobody knows who I really am. I feel like an imposter in that world. But I gotta do what I gotta do to make money. It sickens me. I think I would break the law or do anything management wanted just for that paycheck.

The emotions associated with this have to be going somewhere. I think it scares me because though I have experienced burnout a couple of times, this feels weird.

What I wish I could do is just start over somewhere else but what would that accomplish.

I will shut up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I just thought getting this out there and typing it might make it better.

Anyone who has any idea what the hell may be going on please comment.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A couple updates

My trip to LA has been cancelled. Apparently the company wants to save money and have me walk them thru setting up the network. That ought to go great. Sales people are so good with computers. If they can set up a network than what do they need me for. Whatever. I was excited about going but in a way I am relieved.

The next big recreation will probably be a trip to Idaho in late May and probably a trip to Seattle sometime this summer to see my dad and maybe a few friends

I am also looking forward to Corvallis open forum starting up again I believe a week from Saturday.

I have been too busy to be outraged about much. As things slow down I will probably think of more to say. Until then, peace and love to all

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

New Post

Here is what I have been up to. Mostly working, working and more working. I dont want to give up blogging and I wont but its been hard to have time to do much.

My wife and I are alive and well.

My mood has stabilized. I am off the Zoloft and taking St Johns Wort and Kava Kava. This seems to be helping the moodiness and the depression. Life is good but I want to make things better.

I slipped badly on my diet but I plan to get back to it and work out more as well. Its hard to stick with things.

What the future holds is a big ????. Once my wife gets her degree its hard to say where we will end up.

I also want to get back into doing the Flickr 365 and staying in contact with friends.

Though right now I would like to get lost in the woods and find myself first