OK first off. I missed open forum today which broke my heart but car problems were the culprit. Sorry guys. I will make it when I can. I hope was good despite the crazy weather.
Now I am going to share some stuff that might make me seem like a nut.
I havent been in an airport since 1994 when I flew from Denver to SLC. It was not eventful. I was nervous because in 1991 I watched Die Hard 2 one too many times and developed a bit of a fear of flying but all went well.
I just didnt need to fly. Well until now. I am not afraid of plane crashes. I think I have a non-existant phobia. The fear of airport security.
My on again off again now on again trip to LA is now on again. I had been terrified of the prospect of flying in a post 9/11 world. Not that the plane would crash but that TSA or the military might whisk me away to a gitmo or some secret prison designed for thought criminals just because I seem nervous. Well all was well because it was cancelled. What a weight off me.
Then last weekend happend when all hell broke loose at work. I worked a lot of the weekend and got little sleep. All week I have felt disconnected and its freaking me out. Now I find out I am going to fly to LA around May 1st and I am not scared. I feel nothing. Not because I have overcome my fear but just because I feel so disconnected it doesnt seem real. Nothing has felt real to me since last weekend and I think I may be totally losing it. I go to work. I do my job. I dont feel depressed. I just dont feel. I dont care. I still care that I dont care but I think I am officially burned out.
The fact I am not afraid of my upcoming trip has me terrified. Perhaps its just the herbs I been taking. Perhaps this is the detachment that burnout brings. I am not sure. I actually feel OK just disconnected. Like I am watching myself go through life rather than really being there. Maybe I just need a nice weekend off of work. I am not working this weekend. Maybe its a miracle and I have overcome my fear of airport security in a heartbeat but I think it is more than that. I think I may be losing my grip on reality.
I am actaully looking forward to going to California not to have to be at work for a day. Yet I dont dislike what I do. Its weird.
I have a vacation planned for the end of May but that doesnt feel any more real to me than if it were 5 years from now. Maybe thats what I need.
It is hard to post this in a blog. Though nobody at my work knows the blogging me. At work, I am someone else. Nobody knows who I really am. I feel like an imposter in that world. But I gotta do what I gotta do to make money. It sickens me. I think I would break the law or do anything management wanted just for that paycheck.
The emotions associated with this have to be going somewhere. I think it scares me because though I have experienced burnout a couple of times, this feels weird.
What I wish I could do is just start over somewhere else but what would that accomplish.
I will shut up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I just thought getting this out there and typing it might make it better.
Anyone who has any idea what the hell may be going on please comment.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I have prayed for you, and so have a couple of other people. We have been praying for you to have peace. Maybe that it what it is.
Focus on this. When you get on the plane, you're going to nonchalantly collect the barf bags from nearby seats, tear holes in the bottoms of them, and quietly put them back. Then spend the whole flight hoping for someone to get sick.
Big laughs.
We (at the forum) missed you man! No worries for not making it, though.
Spiritbear, I can kind of relate to what you're talking about. Because, coincidentally perhaps, we went to a bday party in Albany last night. And though I love the friends, we just live in such different worlds. They live in a brand new subdivision. they have a baby, as do most of their friends. I felt sort of out of place. I know this pales in comparison to what you're dealing with at work, but I think it might have been a taste.
I would say if you really think like somethings slipping, don't hesitate to seek therapy. The days of stigma and shame are past. My brother has recieved a lot of help from a therapist while going through his divorce.
But just remember that you're always connected to the whole. There's no "me" without the whole biosphere. Or the whole noosphere.
When I was an electrical apprentice working with a bunch of redneck types (I say this believing they would assent to the label) I felt really out of place, and like we had nothing in common. But I still felt camaraderie with them perhaps because the work was fun. (I miss welding!) and the pay was good. and they were mostly all really good guys and they showed some respect.
Don't feel too bad about your job. Better days are ahead.
Post a Comment