Lately it has been hitting me that I have become bitter. I spend a lot of time whining and feeling sorry for myself. I am going to try, God willing to be more positive and not let the negativity of those around me rub off. Its been getting so bad, I post about it, I complain about it, I have even been snappy with my wife.
I pray that God will give me the strength to truly love the unlovable.
It really hit me yesterday morning when I was at 7-11. A guy came up to me and asked me for a jump start. I lied to him and told him I had a week electrical system. Inside I was thinking, why cant people just leave me the hell alone. I am sure someone helped him but I have always been the kinda guy who would help anyone in need. I tend to give money to bums.
I need God to change my heart. I dont have to like negative people, but I gotta stop letting them win by letting my anger and stress tear me apart.
I could use any extra prayers you all have.
5 comments:
Dear Lord bring balance here. Bring SB the spirit of someone who is free to be frustrated and disappointed, free to tell you the truth but, not so in love with his frustration that he loses site of love, that he loses sight of you. Let him know he is accepted and loved no matter what. He is free to be a whiny pain in the behind. Help him to recieve your unconditional acceptance in such a profound way that he is completely free to dole it out as needed.
SB, you need to recieve grace in order to give it. how much you are able to give it hinges upon how much of it you recieve. You beat yourself up too much. That is evidence of someone who isn't giving themselves grace. Self admonshment is not our way. "I do not even judge myself" You noticed a pattern in you that you are uncomfortable with. Good. But, God isn't admonishing you. You are.
You need to receive grace...God loves you just as much when you are whiny as when you are not. Really....really I swear. He may not love the sound of you complaining, but you can't dish anything he won't take...that is what should stay you and not some shame bullshit that you learned from the churchianity that annoys you so much. It is not what you do that matters so much as why.
Thanks. I think thats just what I need. Balance.
Its interesting you say you need to receive grace to give it. I am trying to figure out how to receive grace (other than what I received when I got saved).
A pattern I have noticed is people tend to give what they get. I think thats why I judged myself and you are right I did. If you are a blessing, you bless others, if you are a curse, you curse others. I want to be a blessing.
Maybe the only person I am really being an ass to is myself. Maybe I feel the right things but feel about feeling them and then beat myself up. Then in the pain of beating myself up, I lash out at others.
I think you are right, if I could stop beating myself up, the problem might go away.
Deep down I think it comes from an upbringing where you just were not supposed to feel certain ways. Churchianity fed that lie. I was taught to judge myself. Its all bullshit.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and perspective. You really are a blessing.
"Deep down I think it comes from an upbringing where you just were not supposed to feel certain ways. "
That's how I know it when I see it. I think sometimes when your parents do things to hurt one another, do things they don't want to be accountable for, they tell you it isn't ok to feel bad about it, to be angry so they can aavoid feelings of guilt or shame themselves. I don't think that is conscious, but I do think it's there, especially in divorced families. The bible says "be angry and do not sin." Sinning isn't in being angry, it's in judgement. Did you decide these people's worth based on your experience of them? Not "Were disappointed and frustrated?" It is not for us to determine worth, not even our own.
I'm glad I could use my experience to bless you. Every time I transform that into some wisdom that blesses someone else a little more is drawn out of that account full of pain and depositted into love and that just makes it better for me.
"Churchianity fed that lie."
Yes.
There is a lot of deception in the body. But it won't always be that way. I see the tides changing.
I have been praying for you everyday that you would become the man of God that God wants you to become. I can see Him changing you. I didn't realize how he was going to change you, but you have become better. The political views, the church views, etc has changed in you. I can see God changing you. He will keep on changing you as well. He will keep on sending you people who need help to see what you would do. He is going to test you. Are you ready? In the next few months, God is going to test you. He is also going to change you into what you should be.
BTW, I think the reason you want people to leave you alone is burnout. Your work is burning you out. However, I am not saying that is an excuse for helping people out. It's not. Don't feel bad about not helping that guy out, just learn from it.
What a blessing to see a wife love her husband in this way!! You know, in this age, where marriage is often dragged through the mud, it just blesses me to see the friendship you have with one another and the encouragement you give.
Marriage is such a wonderful thing when Christ is at the heart of it. I don't understand why so many leave him out of it. It is nice to see another couple reeping the fruit of that.
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