Living Mannequins

I see them. Everywhere I go. They are there. People who ask how you doin? When they dont care. They say good. Its a greeting. They look good in their business suits. Starched up. Women with so much makeup they look like mannequins. Inside they hurt. Inside they are broken and sad. Outside they look plastic. They seem so happy in their world. Like they have it made. They are better than me. They say so. As they parade around in their silver and gold Tahoe's, or their BMWs they seem plastic. Though deep down, they must have hearts. Otherwise they wouldnt live. The Church is full of them too. More than the world. Not that there is really a difference. So I mourn and lament for the plastic people. The mannequins. They do as they are told. They think as they think they should. But later in life when they are old and the plastic melts, they will see it was all fake.

If anyone has seen the Soundgarden video Black Hole Sun they will get this reference. In the end, the Barbies will melt. Not by the hand of anyone, but just from age. Their plastic parts will fall off and they will be lonely old and sad.

I dont envy the mannequins. I pity them. I hope they get it figured out. I wish them well. Their pain is self inflicted.

Ramblings

This is almost free writing but not. I feel like I am starting to become free. Starting to discover who I am. Not what they tell me I am but who I am. Like a bird leaving the nest. An old bird with a young heart. I am free falling toward the ground. No mother bird to scoop me up. Just the air. All of a sudden something picks me up and sets me on the solid ground. Could it be the hand of God. Why are so many just falling falling fast. Fast toward the ground. About to be smashed to pieces like a splattered egg on the pavement. Then there are those on the ground. They stand there holding nets made of paper mache. They look like they will catch you but they wont. The will just make a tearing sound as you hit the ground. Then they paint over you and make it look like you made it. But really you are smashed to pieces.

I am thankful that the hand of God catches me. He carries me to the ground but not all the way. Just close enough to see the pain of those who hit it hard. Also enough to to wave at those falling and reach out a hand to them. That is if they will take it.

I am guilty of the paper mache net however I saw it before I let many fall to the ground. God has opened my eyes. What was so clear is now obscured by clouds but the fakeness is apparent. My life was like that of Truman in the movie. Now it is real. Whatever real is. I see light in the tunnel and its not from the oncoming train. And to those who lie to me, I see you.

I now wish I could provide comfort to those who have smashed into the pavement but are still alive. Broken and beaten yet alive. I want to be like duct tape for the soul. To tape up the broken wings. Heal up the crushed hearts. I cant do it because though I think I am OK, I too am broken. But not beyond repair.

This stuff is crazy but it was what I was thinking at the time. Take it for what its worth.

More Tragedy

Anyway, I am not belittling what happend by being introspective here. It really was a terrible tragedy. My heart goes out to the families of those people in Virginia.

It disturbs me that tragedy in other forms takes place in the world and we never hear of it, but it is still terrible.

I have to wonder what kind of world will my kids (if they ever exist) grow up in.

Tragedy

Many of you may have heard about the shootings at Virginia Tech. This struck me the way most monumental tragedies do, however a bit different. This is now the second time a major tragedy has struck in a state I used to live in. Now in neither case did I know anyone presently attending the school but I have known people who did in the past. When Columbine happend it really struck me because I used to live in Colorado, had been past Columbine many times and knew people who went there years before. One thing that was interesting is Columbine was not an inner city school. It is a suburban school in the area parents strive to live in so their kids can have a good safe school experience.

I have been to Blacksburg, Virginia. Its a nice little Southern town in the hills of Appalachia. Looks like a Norman Rockwell kind of place. Not a place you would expect tragedy to strike.

Maybe we should all move to the South side of Chicago to keep our kids (not that I have any) safe.

Anyway, back on track, it hits me how fragile we are and how it can all be over so quickly. Even in the safety of suburbia or smalltown America.

I want to share another story that may sound dumb but gripped me much the same way. It was way back in 1993. I was 21 (wow I am old). My mom and I were in the middle of Utah way out in the desert in a town called Salina. Its not much but there are hundreds of miles of desert in every direction so by the time you get there, its paradise.

At the truck stop just off I-70 (Its a shell now, used to be a chevron) Its the one with the big statue of the african dude if you have been there. Anyway, as I walked in, I saw the paper. The front page story was about a whole family tragically killed in a car accident. It had a picture of the smashed car on the front. Apparently the person driving fell asleep and car rolled. It was a family with kids. They were all killed. Happens every day right. Well yeah but as I walked around I noticed the police impound lot was right there. For some reason I was drawn to a car. I recognized the car from the paper. I looked inside. I saw pillows, blankets, a water jug, fast food trash, clothing, stuff that belonged to these people. The car looked very lived in. Knowing these people were dead made this creepy. Here I was looking into the lives of people. Looking at stuff that if it could talk would have witnessed the last breath of a family and heard their dying screams. It haunted me so much. I felt like I knew these people. Where did they go when they died? Did it hurt. Having been in a nearly fatal accident and knowing. Not thinking but knowing without a doubt I would be dead in a few seconds, I wonder. Did they feel what I felt?

Anyway, in my case, God miraculously saved me and my only injury was lower back problems. I should have been a human biscuit. I will share that at another time. It was many years ago.

Anyway, this tragedy at Virginia Tech made me remember Columbine and that weird day in Utah. When tragedy strikes and you somehow intersect it with at a different time. It could have been you. It could have been me.

Will I be alive tommorrow? I assume yes, but do we ever know?

A week ago monday a golf ball hit my windshield. For a few seconds, I thought I had been shot and I stopped and examined myself for holes that werent there previously. I realized it was a golfball and it shattered the windshield. If that golfball had hit me in the head instead, I would be in the same boat as these Virginia Tech students.

Just something to think.

The struggle within

Its the big old dilemma I have wrestled with most of my adult life.It seems worse when I am in a job I like. I used to want to go into the ministry. I still think about it. Oftentimes I would fantasize about doing something with my life other than wasting it away for the corporate greed of others. Now I am beginning to think about doing something meaningful. However I like my new job. Deep down I have always thought secular work was something you had to do and to be truly free and mean something to God, you had to escape the slavery of it. If that was true it still is. But what to do. I like my job. I actually feel guilt for liking my job. Work is somethign you are not supposed to like. Thats as obsurd as a prisioner liking jail. Also what eternal valus is there in work. Should I not be in ministry where what I do could mean something to God.

Im still alive

Hey all who may wonder if I dropped off the planet. I didnt. I am still around. I have had some change in my life and its good.

1) As I posted before I got a new job. This has taken away 80% of the negativity that I had. I really hated my old job, It was poisoning me. I like my new one a lot so I havent felt the need to complain. I used to blog to vent. However, I am still gonna blog. It just may be lighter.

2) I had been so antiChurch and now I am not sure. I actually enjoy going to the services but the BS detectors are working hard. I guess rather than complain, I am just having a bit of an internal struggle. I am coming to the conclusion that God is there in Churches but so is the bad stuff. Jesus cares enough about us to be there even amongst the fakeness.

As I ponder that, I will say that it feels good to blog again. I will start doing it more. As I see things. I guess my life is just boring (in a good way) right now.

Take care and God Bless all who still read this

Moving On

I finally got a better job that is a lot closer to home. Instead of 67 miles each way, it will only be 24 miles. Also going to work for a bigger company. Not a small office full of moody people. I thank God for this and hopefully I will have a better attitude. I start on the 12th.