Balance and Moderation

This blog is a mess. Not sure what it is. A lot of pouring out of frustrations knowing that out there people who care still read it from time to time. This was not my intention. I have gone through a lot lately but its actually turned out OK.

I want to become passionate enough about something to get back into thought provoking blogging. I dont want to kill this blog but I really think it has lost its focus.

I guess I need to get out and meet more people and see more things to make it great. Too much time spent working and sleeping.

Life is overall OK. Its always a roller coaster ride but it is what it is.

Obama is president.

I just am not worked up about much right now. When I think of something worth blogging about I will. It may be a while though.

Thanks to all who have stayed with me through the journey and the madness. The journey isnt over. I just want to say new stuff instead of the same stuff.

If anyone wants to contact me, my email is spiritbear928@yahoo.com

Take care

The devil has a foothold on me I guess.

Or some nonsensical crap. Here is what I am talking about. Some may know that in my personal struggle of losing a job and moving I started to drift away from my thinking and run to Church's open loving arms. That seemed good. I went to Church. I even would say that I felt God's presence but the fact that this Church preaches and enforces the insidious Church tax (aka tithing) and the propsperity gospel, I am seriously questioing what I am doing. Right now there is no way we could tithe if we wanted to. I think we have done some crazy shit and though I make more money than ever, we rarely have $10 at any one time. I look at this as a blessing. We have a nice house. Things are good. But I am sorry to say and I wish I had the cojones to say it. Pastor, even if I wanted to be a part of your Church, WE CANT AFFORD IT.

Now even having to think that way is so FREAKING CONTRARY TO WAHT JESUS TAUGHT THAT I WANT TO BE SICK. Jesus would never persecute anyone who couldnt afford to pay the Tithe Tax.

So I am drifting back towards the radical middle. Putting aside the fear taht that is why I lost my job. I actually started to believe it happend because I was so far from Orthodox Churchianity.

I guess my problem is I actually still believe it. Not saying losing faith is good but deep down I still must believe the stuff Churchianity is trying to sell.

Anyone who has wondered out ever think this way? How did you come to terms with the condemnation of believing that circustance must be the punishment of the Lord for being a bad little Christian. It is almost enough to make me drink the kool aid and do as I am told and not think. But can one really return to that once they have been enlightened to the truth? (uh oh I twisted a verse in Hebrews. Beelzebub is gonna get me. I am sick today it must be because I didnt tithe (though 10% of nothing is nothing and that is what I had and what I gave).

Ever seeking the balance between vengeful OT God and Lovable Jesus.

I hope I am not struck dead by the time yuo read this

Nothing to say

Interesting things

Now that Obama is President, the news is full of doom and gloom. Job cuts, poison peanut butter. I wonder if this is a right wing attempt to make it look like Obama is destroying the world

Now that I am not around as many like minded people, I feel I am getting caught up in day to day life and not empathizing with the needs of others as much. Kind of like, I go from A to B and pass whats there and dont see it.

People here in Washington seem to be much more conservative than in Oregon. Here its not the redneck gun toting types with the vote fer boosh stickers but more the educated, well to do, stereotypical Ned Flanders types. Upper middle class, Church going. 2.6 children cookie cutter home, SUV drivers. Now I live in a cookie cutter home so I guess thats unfair but interesting. Perhaps Seattle is more liberal but here in Pierce County, I have noticed this. For a place that is supposed to be so unchuched, it seems everyone I meet goes to Church and there are more megachurches than I have ever seen anywhere.

I am tired of the superficial lets be green crap. Either care about the planet or dont but dont be dumb and try to pretend you care. Trendy green is still trendy.

The Road to Nowhere

OK. As many know I am a doctrinally confused person who still identifies as a Christian but my idea of Christ is a bit different from what you get over at the local Jesus in a box Church.

I read a post on SCP Nation that has got me thinking. Back on 06 when I was seeking truth and burnt out on religion, moving to the left, and finding myself, I met the SCP guys (and some other cool people from there). I admired Steve as a man who was still a Christian yet was not afraid to call the Church on its BS. Now Steve admits to losing his faith. So where does this Christianity on the fringe out of the fold lead to? The religiousity of my past says HELL. My mind says to free thinking.

I admit it, I still have a lot of the FEAR OF GOD in me which prevents me from actually holding what I believe up to the truth-o-meter. I also have a crazy idea that life is better when I am in Church. Even if I cant get into it. So I am at a crossroads. I am not sure what to do. I dont want to lose my faith. It is strong. Churchianty disgusts me in ways but feels safe. Yet I feel blessed. My wife is leaning more toward Church.

I went to a Church service and have gone a few times and the good old feelings were there. I actually thought I felt closer to God. But is it just an emotional trigger that when I hear a certain songs, feelings, noxious gases, I dont know that I experience "religion"

I get the same feelings out in the woods when I pray.

So. I am reminded of the old Ozzy Osbourne song. "the road to nowhere leads to me" Which I always took to mean all roads lead to the same place except for God. So if the road to nowhere leads to Ozzy and since he is the devil (just ask any Church person). Anyway, where does the road to nowhere lead?

Sometimes I feel like I am on a roundabout and only think I am seeing new things but in reality it is the same scenery over and over and over again. I dont want to be who I was, but I want to be at peace. If the road away from Churchianity leads to meltdown and faith loss, then perhaps I shoudl get on the straight an narrow.

Here is another thing. I was finding peace in Buddhist meditation. Then my life fell apart (Job loss, money woes). Now I am more religious and things are going better. Did God get angry at me for meditation and pullt he rug out. Should I run to Church to appease the wrath of the creator?

Obama got inaugurated and God didnt rain fire on the heathens

No fire from heaven. No judgement on the sinful heathens who elected the Obamanation (as in abomination). Of course I am being sarcastic as I voted for Barack Hussein Obama. Just another day. A day of new hope. A happy day that Bush went out with a whimper and not a bang.

We will see what it brings

What the hell is wrong with being an introvert?

OK. I am getting internally fed up. I tend to say nothing and let it boil over. I am an introvert. I am not a shy person. I like getting together with friends and small groups (preferably of other Introverts) and talking about meaningful things. I love reading and blogging. I detest small talk. . I enjoy stimulating conversation but find many extroverts to be fake and boring. Churches value extroverts and try to force introverts to be more outgoing. Lets force people who are drained by people to be more social. Funny as it seems, I love one on one counseling and talking to groups. I think I could be a pastor if I wanted to. I just couldnt handle the small talk.

People get over it... I dont want to be an extrovert. I find parties exhausting (especially around the Holidays) I feel like I need to be medicated to make small talk with people. Yet I can meet up with one or two people and feel like we have been friends for years. That is just the way Introverts are.

Some think I lack confidence and I started to believe it but I dont. I am good at what I do and I know it. I am not arrogant but just because I want to get to the point and get it done without talking about your fscking grandkids doest make me shy. Just focused.

Anyway, to any who have met me in person, if I came off a shy, that was probably just my introversion. I sure dont have a problem saying what I think on a blog or even at open forum. I just dont want to have to put up with extroverts getting inside my head and sapping me of all my energy. Then I would need three days in the woods to recharge. I am a like a bear, If you try to bug me, I will avoid you. If you get in my face, I will growl. If you threaten me or my family, I just might have you for lunch but I would prefer to LEFT ALONE when I am feeling introspective.

Anybody else alive out there who this makes since to.