The Road to Nowhere

OK. As many know I am a doctrinally confused person who still identifies as a Christian but my idea of Christ is a bit different from what you get over at the local Jesus in a box Church.

I read a post on SCP Nation that has got me thinking. Back on 06 when I was seeking truth and burnt out on religion, moving to the left, and finding myself, I met the SCP guys (and some other cool people from there). I admired Steve as a man who was still a Christian yet was not afraid to call the Church on its BS. Now Steve admits to losing his faith. So where does this Christianity on the fringe out of the fold lead to? The religiousity of my past says HELL. My mind says to free thinking.

I admit it, I still have a lot of the FEAR OF GOD in me which prevents me from actually holding what I believe up to the truth-o-meter. I also have a crazy idea that life is better when I am in Church. Even if I cant get into it. So I am at a crossroads. I am not sure what to do. I dont want to lose my faith. It is strong. Churchianty disgusts me in ways but feels safe. Yet I feel blessed. My wife is leaning more toward Church.

I went to a Church service and have gone a few times and the good old feelings were there. I actually thought I felt closer to God. But is it just an emotional trigger that when I hear a certain songs, feelings, noxious gases, I dont know that I experience "religion"

I get the same feelings out in the woods when I pray.

So. I am reminded of the old Ozzy Osbourne song. "the road to nowhere leads to me" Which I always took to mean all roads lead to the same place except for God. So if the road to nowhere leads to Ozzy and since he is the devil (just ask any Church person). Anyway, where does the road to nowhere lead?

Sometimes I feel like I am on a roundabout and only think I am seeing new things but in reality it is the same scenery over and over and over again. I dont want to be who I was, but I want to be at peace. If the road away from Churchianity leads to meltdown and faith loss, then perhaps I shoudl get on the straight an narrow.

Here is another thing. I was finding peace in Buddhist meditation. Then my life fell apart (Job loss, money woes). Now I am more religious and things are going better. Did God get angry at me for meditation and pullt he rug out. Should I run to Church to appease the wrath of the creator?