I hope all this is just a refining in the fire so to speak and I will come out of it stronger.
I want the truth. Not the religious BS and I no longer care if its compatible with Churchianity. But I may have to sacrifice some sacred cows to get there. as long as I dont lose whats in my heart, I will be OK. I can live with the I dont get it answer but what about being prepared to give a reason. Someone may ask why does God order genocide. What can I say, well the bible says so. Why did he order animal sacrifice, uhh cause he likes the smell of burning animals. I can see that. I love the smell of steak cooking too but thats theologically weak.
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when i left my church, i felt scared and alone. isolated. then i realized that i was doing my 40 days and nights, if you know what i mean. leaving the church, the known, puts you in the spiritual wilderness. only for me it was more like four years, before i actually felt born again.
which you mind find interesting. my rebirth had little to do with the bible or church going, and more to do with studying biology and smoking a lot of pot. but the epiphanous moment came when all of the knowledge i had been cramming into my brain about cell metabolism and division, how life operates at the microscopic level and the biochemical level, the miracle of dna, and the question of intelligent design and darwin, all of this was churning in my brain and i realized this: it doesn't matter how it (life) came to be, that it is at all is a miracle to behold and the fact that the molecules that make up who we are, do what they do is absolutely mind boggling and sacred. and i began to see people, of all shapes and sizes as beautiful, incredible, magical beings stunning to behold in their intricacy and complexity, indeed the children of god. during this period i felt very much as if i was born again. and i felt very much close to god.
today, the feeling has diminished considerably, but i still try to recognize the inherent value and beauty of god in every person i meet. like all of us, i fall victim to the endless onslaught of negativity and violence and injustice and brutality from time to time and need to be reminded of what i'm doing here.
i should add that after my epiphanous moment, was when i started seeing the christian teachings of my youth in an entirely new light, much of which i reclaimed, but much of which i left in the past because it didn't seem to matter anymore.
and i sometimes feel like the corvallis open forum has become my new version of "church". its weekly and it provides an opportunity to ponder the bigger questions we face. iow, there is much to be said for the fellowship of people like you on a regular basis. some of us, for whatever reason have a higher standard for what is real than others.
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