I really cant think of much to say right now. I am tired and overheated. It got up to 82 today and its almost as hot in my house right now.
Overall I am more content with things. Other than being broke now, life is good. but I am suffering from an unexplainable fear. I worry that everything will crash and burn. I look for the hook in what everyone says and does. I experience deep dread that something awful will happen. Though I must remind you that on the surface things are fine. I think I am a slacker. I think I can tdo anything right. I feel like if everyone else figured it out, they wouldnt want me around. Deep down, I think I am messed up and am good at hiding it from the world around me. I feel like a faker. Like an imposter in my own skin at times. Like I am faking it. If they could only see in, they would not like what they see. Now if I can just figure out who they are.
I feel better having written this.
2 comments:
you aren't alone in how you feel. in fact, i'd say that there are many many folks who feel as you do, especially in the current social/political culture.
we have fear bread into us from all directions these days. mind control works (repeated words/phrases, subliminal advertising for example). it hits the subconscious, which means that even though the conscious mind can rationalize all is ok for now, the subconscious has a different experience.
also at play is the idea that those who are sensitive (which i am guessing you are) can pick up on the chaos and fear permeating our planet right now. just a few nights ago i was sharing some very similar thoughts as you expressed in your blog with my husband. i feel shaky inside and have this sense of doom.
you're not alone. you aren't fake, well anymore than the rest of us. we ALL put on masks to present to the world, to tell others "i'm ok". i hate doing that, personally, but i still do. social conditioning. that's one of the beauties of the internet--you can remove that mask and just say HERE I AM. i vision a world where we can do that in person with one another and not blink an eye.
maybe a good conversation topic would be how to combat the fear. i get overwhelmed quite easily these days--turning off the tv, taking a break from blogging or internet browsing--listening to and playing music, sitting in the sun quietly, riding my bike, etc. are things that center me again.
think about what you are in terms of elements, you are mostly water, proteins, composed of carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen, oxygen, and many other atoms and molecules. the same stuff found in every other living thing on the planet. but you are not the sum of these parts, your parts are animated by something, call it spirit, or soul. it is a miracle that we find ourselves alive and thinking. i don't think you are screwed up, if you are, then indeed, everyone is screwed up.
i had that feeling of doom when i became really immersed in the peak oil theory. you know, when global oil production begins a steady and irreversible decline, wreaking havoc on the global economy. strangely, i don't feel that urgent about climate change. but in either case, it does seem like dark days are ahead, i think the best way to deal with that is to try to change things for the better, however you define it. trust your conscience. often i feel like society is like a speeding train heading for a cliff and its really too late for any chance of survival, but we won't know for sure until after the fact and while i'm able i must try, to stop the train or redirect it, or just slow it down a little.
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